Thursday, January 30, 2014

Time for a new plan.

Hello.  Is there anyone still reading this blog?  Oh well...back to square one.  I definitely lost momentum once I got pregnant with Gavin and then EVERYTHING came to a screeching halt once I was put on bed rest.  Fast forward to now...the fog that settled over me seems to be lifting.  I feel lighter.  I'm not going to say that I am the same person; I'm not.  One not entirely unexpected consequence to our adventure in the NICU with Gavin, is that has taken months for me to process everything and mourn some of the things that will never be and rejoice in what IS.  I am so thankful that Gavin is doing so well - better than anyone would have ever expected, but I think I still am waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Maybe it already did.  Maybe Gavin being born at 31 weeks and spending all of that time in the NICU was the other shoe dropping, but I still catch myself looking at him and watching him; just waiting for some unforeseen complication to present itself.  I let worry color my world, and I definitely let worry affect parts of my life that I previously enjoyed...i.e. crafting and blogging to name a few.  Crafting felt like ONE more thing that I HAD to do, which clearly isn't right.  Crafting was fun - crafting was my outlet. All of the sudden design team deadlines felt like huge weights around my neck and blogs posts were CHORES to put together.  Why post a new project if NO ONE comments? When I first started my blog, I didn't get comments for months.  I remember my first "follower" and my 10th follower.  I wasn't blogging for anyone else, but me. Somewhere along the way that changed.  Design teams are so fun and rewarding, and I am beyond thankful for EVERY single team that I have served, but at some point for me personally, I think I lost my way.  Instead of crafting for me or my kids' scrapbooks - I was making cards that I had no intention of sending to anyone.  Projects that had no personal meaning to me - and I think my projects started to suck a little bit.  More importantly, I took myself almost completely out of my blog.  Instead of sharing a funny story or a little bit about me, I was posting a couple of pictures of a project and hitting publish.  I don't read blogs that do that...I may look at the initial picture on my blog roll, but I don't click on it.  I tend to religiously read blogs where the authors share something about themselves.  It doesn't mean that they are sharing EVERY little detail, but as the reader you see a snapshot of the author's life.  So, clearly it was a little hypocritical of me to be irritated when my blog wasn't getting comments.  If I wouldn't read it, why would I expect anyone else to read it?
Soooo....fast forward to now - I really do feel like the fog is lifting, and it started with an idea I had to make hats for babies in the hospital.  Gavin received several handmade hats during his stay and they made me feel happy and reminded me that I wasn't alone in my struggles.  Sometimes friends and family don't really know what to say when your baby isn't home with you right away.  Should they say, "Congratulations," should they send gifts?  Both answers to those questions by the way - are yes.  You should acknowledge it and help the parents celebrate the best you can.  That can be as simple as a congratulations or a card.  You may not get a thank you card promptly (or at all) because the parents are stretched so thin, but know this - they appreciate it.  Making hats for babies that I don't know and won't ever meet has helped me put all sorts of things in perspective.  The act of knitting is repetitive and it works for me.  It doesn't matter what kind of mood I am in - making hats for babies puts things in perspective for me.  I was VERY angry a few weeks ago about a problem we were having with our kitchen remodel and I sat down to start knitting a hat and within 10 minutes I was calmer and definitely had a better grasp on my feelings.  Busy hands - it works!!!  In the past - I definitely wouldn't have shared this on the blog.  I would worry that someone would read it and think that I was fishing for sympathy or praise.  Well...who cares?  Haters gonna hate.  LOL!  I am ONLY sharing this as a way to express one way that I am pulling myself out of this funk.    
I've learned lots more stitches now...so my hats are cuter.
Making little hats has also helped remind me that I HAVE to take care of me too.  Crafting makes me happy or at least it made me happy.  I am definitely reassessing my crafting style.  I am making some changes.  I am getting rid of ALL of my Cricut cartridges.  I don't use them.  They have been boxed up for almost 2 years.  They will be up on EBay and I WILL link them here on the blog once they are up - just in case anyone is interested.  I WILL finish Gavin's baby book...even if I cry throughout EVERY single page.  I am using the Project Life Baby Edition, but I plan on personalizing it a little here and there with die cuts and stamps.  I will definitely try and post those on the blog.  From here on out - I am only going to post projects that I LOVE.  Soo...that's where I am at.